Time to take the trash out!

Two nights ago I attended an appreciation dinner hosted by a friend of mine saying thank you to the five of us who have helped her wedding planning business grow over this past year. It was a beautiful little celebration in her home, complete with flowers from the garden, fresh cheese and bread from a specialty shop and perfectly wrapped gifts positioned as the place cards.  You can imagine the amount of facial control it took when, what I can only assume was the result of  hearing “appreciation pole dance” instead of “dinner” one of the college interns walked in dressed for a cheap Tuesday night on the Vegas Strip. It wasn’t as slutty as it was just… off.  There was an obviously effort behind her outfit, I mean I find it hard to believe a woman larger then a C – cup could accidentally walk out of the house bra-less in a black teddy and a red shruggie… and Target flats (my biggest pet-peeve!) but she just didn’t think about where she was going.  With each and every reach across the table I cringed as the outfit began to stretch and what little support was initially present was giving way to the larger “tasks”.

I get that she’s young and I know that I’m older but honestly, you can’t dress like that unless you’re crazy rich (see Paris Hilton). Forever and ever, cheap, revealing, clothing  will always make you look as if you’re on a walk of shame out of the guys’ dorm.  But she’s a sweet girl and certainly smart so I figured it must be a Hollywood trend that has come back because I was pretty positive that trashy chic went out with the Monster Ballad.  So I warm up my computer and started googling the latest group of Hollywood fashionistas and what I found was very interesting.

With the exception of Brooke Hogan, who I actually like and feel got screwed in the genes department and as a result attracted the negative attention of PerezHilton (I know, is there any positive attention in that creature?) and has been the poor girl’s demise, and Miley Cirus, who’s just young and has not one inkling of right dress from wrong dress because she’s still only 16 and she’s just figuring out how her body works, no one in Hollywood is dressing like trashy slutz who just fell out of a boyfriend’s bed.  I searched through all the usual sites, Go Fug Yourself, Perez, Celebuz, E! and I couldn’t find anyone still dressing like they’re giving it away for free.

And I’ll leave it at that.

Embrace Your Quirks!

A great Read!

David Sedaris’ #1 National Best Seller “Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim” is simply a great read that will help you embrace every quirky family trait that’s ever made you cringe.  I think most will say you should take it to the beach but I personally think it’s the best thing you can read during a tough work week simply because it gives you a chance to put your own frustrations on the shelf and snicker at the inner thoughts of someone who is, as they say, a little “off”… but who isn’t?

Here’s what others have to say on Reviews Of Books

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim is David Sedaris’ latest book of essays with his skewed sense of humor and his spot-on observance of those peccadilloes in daily life that ultimately makes us laugh at ourselves. David’s family, friends, and neighbors again serve as fodder for his short essays, from his miserly Dad to his slovenly brother, to his sister whose sense of humor may be more outrageous than his. If you’ve read his previous books, you know what to expect. For those unfamiliar with David Sedaris, his is a unique voice that will have you grabbing your sides in laughter. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim has received positive reviews with the Washington Post saying, “Do yourself a favor and rush out to read the damn book for yourself. It’s already shaping up to be a summer starved for good laughs and, familiar though they may seem, you’ll find few better than the ones on offer in Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.”

Enjoy!

Get Some Class!

Do most of your conversation sparkers start with the words “last night on (insert the title of an inane reality show) I couldn’t believe…” Think everyone around you has something interesting to say when you have nothing to share? Bored with life? Bored with your current social circle?  Then you should definitely consider some of the fun classes you can find through local colleges, community organizations, or local art programs.

One evening, while enrolled in a Continuing Education French Class in Atlanta, my instructor shared that the French are usually turned off by the question  “What do you do for a living?” She went on to explain that pretty much anything that involves your work day, projects at work, issues with co-workers… which always results in one person occupying the discussion to harp on a situation everyone is most likely already experiencing in their own lives… is a pretty big social faux pas (using my French!).  Apparently this stems from two things, 1. The fact that many of the people in your social circle have been with you since childhood and they already know most everything you have to share about your profession and 2. They expect friends and family to introduce new, thought provoking, experiences into their social gatherings in an effort to enrich the lives of those around them. How lovely is that? It should certainly make you reconsider the fact that all you have to share is a snarky tidbit about some slut on a reality television show.

As an exception to a lifelong rule I’ve decided to agree with the French and declare that we’re all responsible for providing some enrichment to the lives of those around us. How can you not agree when all it takes to bring something new to the conversation is as simple as reading a book, or paying attention to a current event or actually signing up for an interesting evening class where you can make new friends, learn something fun, find a new passion that might actually lead to a new profession… or love life (don’t knock it till you try it, the guys in my French class were pretty cute!).  Think about how wonderful it will feel to have something to share when conversation takes a dive or to be able to relate in some form or fashion to everyone at the table.  Trust me, people sincerely appreciate a dinner date who has something new to share.

These opportunities are in every community in the world and prices can start at free and go up to whatever budget you have. I’m actually about to start an advanced level Spanish Class and the fee is “Wine and snacks to share”. You really have no excuse to keep from seeking out new interests to incorporate into your life. Not only is it enriching for yourself but many of the classes out there can offer the opportunity to advance your professional status and potentially introduce you to new business contacts.

Everyone has at least an hour a week to give for something fun and enriching. If it helps to start off small then consider a single class – I recently had a friend share a fun note about a one time class for painting called Canvases and Cocktails in Denver, Colorado. If you like it then you can try something a little more involved like a 3 week session, if that goes well then you can try something that lasts longer until eventually you’re planning a trip to Mexico to study Spanish, Mexican Cuisine or jewelry making (check out the offerings in San Miguel de Allende ).  The opportunities are limitless and so are the adventures you’ll invite into your life.

Enjoy!

Get The Skinny On Your Body

Skinny Bitch is a not only a great read but it's a fantastic kick in the ASS!

Ladies, I’m going to give you some hard to hear tough love and I’m sorry to be blunt but more then half of the people I see each day are obviously not hearing it through the gentle channels (like Oprah and SELF) so I’m just going to lay it on the line – GET YOUR BODY IN SHAPE, LOSE THE EXTRA POUNDS AND START CARING ABOUT THE IMAGE YOU PUT OUT THERE FOR OTHERS TO JUDGE!

Oh yes they do judge you and you know you do it too so don’t get all high and mighty about not caring about what other people think of your pooch.  As much as an overweight body can keep you from the good things in life (like cute clothes, a man, a plane seat to an island vaca… A JOB!) it also has the power to get you these things.  Research some statistics about appearance and professional success and you’ll see what I’m saying.

Here’s the skinny:

-No your husband is not happy “with a little meat on the bones”

-No you do not feel better with a full set of curves

-You hate not being able to wear cute clothes

-You are FREAKED about what the future holds for your health and longevity.

-No you are not happy being over weight

-And I repeat (because you won’t admit it to yourself) YOU ARE NOT HAPPY BEING OVER WEIGHT!

I say this with a heart filled with love for my sisters from another mister (that all of you), I come from a family of many women and I’ve watched the weight issues from every angle and I can swear to you that changing your lifestyle is the only way to change your body and start feeling great about yourself.  Shopping is better, dating is better, sex is better and, I can promise you this one, marriage is WAY better when you have a healthy body.

I picked Skinny Bitch up as a joke to be able to pull quotes for another blog but soon realized it’s a serious tool to be used for taking control of your body and improving your lifestyle for … well, the rest of your life.

Seriously, if you’ve got 60 lbs, 30 lbs, 15 lbs, or 5 lbs, Skinny Bitch will put you on the fast track to understanding why you should start losing the weight and changing the way you live.

DO IT TODAY!

Co-worker crossing the line – what do you do?

I have a young girlfriend (26) who landed a pretty amazing spot on a high profile networking board with a number of the regional “Players” in the advertising world.  This position offers a potential to bump up to the national scene and have the opportunity to secure a career working on the nation’s top advertising accounts. She’s definitely qualified and in my opinion represents the future of fresh thinking to a T – her future it laid out.  So you can imagine my anger when I get the call that she’s run into one of the “Iras” of the world and is considering having to quit.

Ira was the name of an Ad Exec in NYC who thought he could command me to his hotel room after giving me a Posh Spice Barbie Doll saying it reminded him of me. He was one of those pudgy men who wore Macy’s Wrinkle Free Dockers with a cuff and a sweater tied around his shoulders as if he had a boat waiting for him at the closest pier. He was about 20 years my senior and would corner me when we were forced to travel together on shoots. At the start of every project he’d have some disgustingly cheap display of “romance” sent to me (anonymously mind you) in front of a room of people and then sit back and grin as if we had an inside secret. Can you imagine receiving an anonymous delivery of 30 lbs of deep red roses with baby’s breath and ferns? How about a bottle of champagne with chocolate dipped strawberries, the ones from the supermarket down the road? Yillkkkk!  did I mention his wife would call? He was beyond belief. What was even worse was when I brought it to the attention of my superiors I received word (from a woman no less!) to NOT jeopardize the account.  For me his actions weren’t a threat and I never felt pressure to do something I didn’t want to do but the thought of having to respectively decline his advances really pissed me off.  Eventually Ira gave up and moved on to another accusing me of being a “Dike”.

So back to my friend.  This is the first time she’s attracted the advances of a professional colleague who has no shame. Unfortunately, because she’s never seen the adverse effects of joking about drinking and resorting to hard drugs to get through a tough day (something we’ve all sarcastically teased about so don’t act surprised!), she’s brought a little of this “fun girl” image onto herself.  I know, you should be able to say what you want but when you have a dry sense of humor and you joke that you just might need some crack to make it to 5pm you have to realize that there are some people out there who actually do take crack to make it to 5pm and they’d love to know someone else does too. Ultimately she’s still learning how to talk the talk as far as humor and sarcasm and she will learn the errors of her ways that same as we all have. But for now she’s got an Ira on her hands – a wife hating, hard up, let me walk you to your car and “ready to meet you at midnight” professional colleague who’s behavior stems from the fact that he knows he’s safe against her “misinterpretation of his sense of humor”… should it come up.

My issue is that she hasn’t had enough women in her life saying “Absolutely NOT!  You may not quit when faced with this garbage! I don’t care if you throw it all away but not on something like this! Stand your ground, talk to that bastard and make it clear that you aren’t playing the game!” She certainly heard it from me and here’s the rest of what I said:

First of all you need to confide in a female mentor so you have someone on your side should the sh*t hit the fan. Don’t gossip or act injured, just tell her what’s up and then share your plan of attack.  At the same time, if you haven’t already,  you should begin scheduling coffee with each of the biggest players in your professional circle so this guy will know you’ve got a future ahead of you. In no way am I suggesting that you take your problems to these people, in fact you need to make every attempt to deal with this on your own and leave it outside the board room.  But I am suggesting that by staying on the radars of the professional powerhouses in your network you’re not only securing your future success, you’re also employing an great trick for keeping unsavory behavior away.  Now that you’ve got your unsuspecting army, you’re going to attack with a gentle “You know I’m married (or “not interested” or “not into professional romance”… whatever your reasons) and don’t party hard right?” NEVER imply he’s made you uncomfortable, that leaves him with a sense of power and he’ll do this again. And then follow that with a shame provoking “Listen, no worries, this will stay between you and me. It was clearly a misunderstanding that we can put behind us.” And then WALK AWAY.  DO NOT engage in any conversation with this person about this experience, your thoughts, his reasons… make it clear that the conversation is over and you are not avail to make him feel better about his actions.

-Your Friend

I want him to ask me to marry him… NOW!

Ok, here’s a tough one that I hear ALL the time – “He said we’re going to get married but he hasn’t asked me yet”.  I have to be honest, it takes me a while to drum up some sympathy when I hear this come out of a friend’s mouth.  I think it’s because I’m usually listening to an intelligent woman verbalizing that she wants someone to feel exactly how she does when ultimately I’m hearing “I’ve given up all control in my relationship and I’m waiting for him to tell me what we’re going to do next”.  WHAT??? If you want to be engaged and moving towards marriage then ask the guy to marry you!  But if you want him to initiate the question then guess what my darlings… YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE’S READY TO ASK YOU!  This means putting the subject out of your thought and taking all expectations off the table. If you don’t you’ll go nuts to the point of driving the guy away (trust me, I’ve seen this on many occasions) and making yourself feel worthless when absolutely are not!

I don’t care if you two have talked and are in agreement that you will be the future “Mr. and Mrs So and So”, if you want to be married by a certain time then you need to plan a fancy dinner, light the candles and say “Marry me and make me the happiest woman alive”.  My point is, he can only act on his own emotions and you can’t make him feel the way you do… especially if you aren’t sharing your feelings with him.  I have a friend who instead of saying “I’m going crazy here” actually told her boyfriend that they had to get married at a certain time because it’s what was best for her family’s travel restrictions and he was being very inconsiderate to have agreed they’d be married and then let her tell her family about the wedding that would most likely be the following summer and now they don’t know when to purchase tickets.  Yes he did delay asking her for a very long time.

Don’t play games. If you think the situation is more about his cold feet then his lack of planning then it’s definitely better for you to initiate the conversation and sort it out now instead of pushing it until you’re so worked up it’s going to leave an emotional scar.

My friendly advice?  Well, when this happened to me (yes we talked about getting married and then Mr. Perfect went silent for about 3 months) I was very confused and thought for sure he was changing his mind.  I kind of went nuts and unfortunately pride dictated that I wouldn’t be the one to initiate the conversation (sound familiar?). After a rough evening of arguing for no reason (because I couldn’t say why I was really upset) I decided to set a mental length of time I’d be comfortable with continuing to date without getting married (we’d been together 5 years by that point) and swore to myself that come that day I’d do an emotional check and if I still wanted to marry him I’d ask him and if not I’d tell him we needed to part ways.  I put the idea of marriage on the back burner and as a result I no longer stressed, I didn’t go crazy over silly issues anymore and I actually felt empowered by the understanding that I regained control of my relationship. Try it, if you don’t want to be the one to pop the question then it is really your only option.

-Your Friend

Nag, Nag, Nag!

To my friend who always fusses about her boyfriend and all the women who are like her -PLEASE STOP! Change the situation,  take the friendly advice or just leave the guy but please stop nagging and make yourself happy.

In my friend’s case, she’s got a great guy who’s attractive (get over the love handles!), funny, athletic, a hard worker and very generous about looking past her shortcomings.  If anything I’m shocked she landed him (as much as I love her) because she falls under the heading “Human Equivalent of a Border Collie”! Organizing, grouping, gathering, bossing… insisting that everyone around her needs to stay busy, make changes, be in a constant state of angst.  How can she not notice that every story she shares is about how she has to help him be a better person, help him organize his day, teach him how to keep a house, a life, manage funds… how does she think he became the man who attracted her when she acts as if he can’t do anything worthwhile without her input? To all of you who feel like you’re making a perfect partner, don’t you get tired?  Guess what, no one is perfect and I’d like to point out that we each have some pretty big issues that we’re expecting someone to look past.

It should go without saying that I’m not endorsing sticking it out when you’re in a shitty relationship. In fact, I’m the first person to say that unless you’ve found a great match life is much more fun as a single gal. Considering you have to consult this person about EVERYTHING you do for the rest of your life you better make sure he doesn’t drive you crazy. So here’s my friendly advice,  you need to make YOUR list of characteristics you can’t live with (don’t consult friends, they always assume you want what they want) and keep working and rearranging that list for a couple of weeks.  As soon as you have it almost locked in then take a look at the guy in your life and figure out if he has any of those qualities. If you’re married then you two need to sit down and talk, if you’re just dating then YOU need to make the decision to be grateful for this guy or break it off.

To help you out, here are a few items on my list:

-I can’t live with a slob

-I can’t live with a dog

-I can’t live with filth

-I can’t live with buddies at the house all the time

-I can’t live with someone who doesn’t stay in shape

-I can’t live with someone who is late all the time

Good luck!

Friend

The inspiration for the blog

For the past three days I’ve listened as friends described problems with business, relationships, self worth and pretty much happiness in general.  I’ve got one friend who’s moving forward into an engagement while looking for a sign, ANY SIGN, to be able to get out while at the same time another friend is posting problems on Craigslist with the belief that she’s “putting it out to the universe” for some unidentified spiritual guru to give her answers about what she should do next… you can imagine the field days the trolls had with that one!  From bored wives, to overworked mothers, to angst ridden girlfriends concerned about missing out on the “real” meaning of life to confused guy friends who are finally admitting that they just want simple companionship and don’t care if “she’s hot”, I’m surrounded by so many great people who are simply stuck. They are trapped by their own mental quicksand and can’t seem to see their options because they are so entrenched in their own understanding of what they need.

I’m here to say that all these people need (and you… and me for that matter!) is an outside perspective given from a sincere friend who’s only motive is to encourage happiness for those around them.  Someone who honestly wants the people around them to have joy in their daily lives and realizes that this infectious emotion will make her own community a better place to live, work and play.

Take the advice of a friend, it might not be what you want to hear but it will definitely offer a new perspective and hopefully give you some new insight on the power you have to bring about positive change all by yourself!

Friend